Well a lot has happened since I last wrote a post on here. I have a job now and I am enjoying working. I have become a community care worker. It is hard work but I really love my job. I have never done care work before but I think I have found the job I was made for.
my anxiety is still ever present and at times can make things very hard. I thought I was starting to feel better but recently I have once again been obsessing over the big C. I am terrified I am dying and that no one is hearing or believing me. Health anxiety can be so crippling both emotionally and physically. I am finding that I have started to comfort eat at times and at others not want food at all. I am good at putting on a happy care free persona but inside I am feeling so empty and alone. I am surrounded by an amazing family of a husband who is so patient with me, even though at times I am completely horrid to him and he doesn't deserve any of it, and my 3 girls. It isn't easy being a mum to 2 teenagers and a 7year old with behavioural difficulties. it is ok to admit that sometimes adulating and parenting sucks. there isn't a manual for this stuff we are all making it up as we go along. No one has the perfect remedy for raising children or living life and if they say they do I call bulls@it! sometimes life sucks plain and simply it sucks, what matters and what counts is how you pick yourself up and deal with it when it does.
Some people have said to me "well how can you be a care worker around ill people if you have health anxiety". I don't understand it myself. I have been in a room when a person I helped passed away and it didn't terrify me like I thought it would. I was calm and my thought was I a, glad they weren't alone when they went to rest. Don't get me wrong it isn't easy, I worry constantly about everything, every little twinge or pain I am convinced it is something bad.
My little family keep me going. I am determined that I won't let my girls feel how I do, although I fear I have failed on that one right now. My oldest suffers from anxiety and depression and I can't help but feel it is my fault and I have projected my fears and irrational behaviour onto her and I will never forgive myself for that. I am hoping she will come through the other side, I know I will be here pushing her and making sure she gets through this. Wanting her to be ok is giving me the kick up the backside I need. I will defeat ths, be it next week or next year....I will come out on top.
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