Will I ever feel normal.....

Well a lot has happened since I last wrote a post on here.  I have a job now and I am enjoying working.  I have become a community care worker.  It is hard work but I really love my job.  I have never done care work before but I think I have found the job I was made for.

my anxiety is still ever present and at times can make things very hard.  I thought I was starting to feel better but recently I have once again been obsessing over the big C.  I am terrified I am dying and that no one is hearing or believing me.  Health anxiety can be so crippling both emotionally and physically.  I am finding that I have started to comfort eat at times and at others not want food at all.  I am good at putting on a happy care free persona but inside I am feeling so empty and alone.  I am surrounded by an amazing family of a husband who is so patient with me, even though at times I am completely horrid to him and he doesn't deserve any of it, and my 3 girls.  It isn't easy being a mum to 2 teenagers and a 7year old with behavioural difficulties.  it is ok to admit that sometimes adulating and parenting sucks.  there isn't a manual for this stuff we are all making it up as we go along.  No one has the perfect remedy for raising children or living life and if they say they do I call bulls@it!  sometimes life sucks plain and simply it sucks, what matters and what counts is how you pick yourself up and deal with it when it does.

Some people have said to me "well how can you be a care worker around ill people if you have health anxiety".  I don't understand it myself.  I have been in a room when a person I helped passed away and it didn't terrify me like I thought it would.  I was calm and my thought was I a, glad they weren't alone when they went to rest.  Don't get me wrong it isn't easy, I worry constantly about everything, every little twinge or pain I am convinced it is something bad.

My little family keep me going.  I am determined that I won't let my girls feel how I do, although I fear I have failed on that one right now.  My oldest suffers from anxiety and depression and I can't help but feel it is my fault and I have projected my fears and irrational behaviour onto her and I will never forgive myself for that.  I am hoping she will come through the other side, I know I will be here pushing her and making sure she gets through this.  Wanting her to be ok is giving me the kick up the backside I need.  I will defeat ths, be it next week or next year....I will come out on top.

Bruce

Bruce has been settling in great.  He has become good friends with duncan and Ripley the cats and Elvis our other dog.

Bruce with Duncan and Elvis 22 weeks old

Bruce with Duncan just chillin 24 weeks old

Bruce enjoying the sunshine 23 weeks old

Bruce growing into a gorgeous boy 24 weeks

Newest member of the family....

So I thought I would introduce everyone to the newest member of our mad family.

Bruce 10 week old Border Collie

This is our Border Collie Bruce he was 10 weeks old when we got him, a real bundle of mischief and fun.  He has been settling in well and is growing and becoming a gorgeous boy.  He is now 1 weeks old and a total nutjob..but so worth it!

Bruce 19 weeks

The above picture is just after he went in the sea for the very first time and loved it!  He then slept for the rest of the afternoon.  Gorgeous boy with beautiful eyes.  Love this dude

LONDON TERROR ATTACK.....

Awfully sad terrifying times when hearing about a terrorist attack isn't a shock.. Watching it unfold on the news last night and couldn't believe that people were trying to film it on their phones whilst armed police were running at them and screaming for them to run and leave the area. When did we become so desensitised that it is talked about so freely without emotion by some! to this atrocious evil act. Explaining to a 7 year old (who couldn't sleep) what was happening and seeing my 12 and 15yr olds afraid is heartbreaking... It truly scares me as to what world is going to be left for our children to inherit 😢😢😭

I feel angry that people have got such blatant disregard for life.
The emergency services last night were second to none, and watching it all unfold on the news live as it was happening showed they responded quickly and made sure people were evacuated and made as safe as possible. The police and emergency services were brave and professional in acting to save lives and deal with these appalling acts of terrorism,  and members of the public came together to help and protect others.

What do we do now? it seems that the general thing to do is write a prayers for families post, light a candle have a vigil and start all over again...same cycle is just continuing again and again and AGAIN!  This needs to stop something needs to be done.  I fear for my children's safety in this scary volatile world.

Stand strong London RIP to those who's lives were taken

http://www.itv.com/news/london/2017-06-04/london-terror-attack-six-dead-48-injured-three-suspects-killed/ link to latest news on the attack

So far....

I am currently in the process of crocheting a lifesize facehugger...I am still on the tail!  I will post updates and pucs as we go

FACEHUGGER KEYCHAIN

So I attempted my first mini Facehugger yesterday..I must say not too shabby!! Next is the full size version!

Xenomoroh

Here is my first attempt at a Xenomorph crochet...needs some more work but not bad if i say so myself! Next try....facehugger!!!